thoughts

This past week of stripping was one of the best weeks that I have had yet. I made bank, and I had a blast doing it. I was very happy to meet some of the guys I have met. Sadly, most of them are out-of-towners. Every once in awhile they may come back, but a lot of people go through Morgantown for business. I still have chances of meeting some other guys. The only bad thing was the fact that my back is still a little sore. I've had a pretty bad torn muscle. ....... There were some strangers that I met and some guys that could be in the senate for someone else. I'm really not sure about Luke from ORU's company. I don't know why he seems to be around and almost a regular through other people. For now, I don't mind his company, but he really does leave me guessing. I get the impression he wants to check up on me to see whether or not I am ok, and show me some support. In another way, I question if he has some kind of bad intention going on. A long time ago, Luke was either ignorant or too refusing of me being against Maggie. I think it was some kind of made up photography sex scene where we were making out while milk was being poured on us, where he lost me. I just gave up on him and went about my every day life the same way I always did. If Luke didn't get my anger by then of being untouchable and refusing someone's dominance, he just was never going to get it. There has just been this gap since then, and here Luke comes to visit me. Luke, I wonder how you will play me from here. ....... There was this other hot man that I had great chemistry with and that I'm still interested in despite some guessable things. I think Bree Ann wanted to intentionally mark, degrade, and ruin him and us. I may never see him again, but I do wonder what his real outlook and response is. What is he thinking and feeling? ............ I also appreciated the fact that there were some other random guys out there that were party going and fun loving and not looking to compete or hate on me. ....... Other thoughts besides stripping...........I'm upset at how rainy the weather looks this entire week. It is even supposed to rain today. I hate that. Too much rain. I can't make up my mind if I want to work 3 or 4 days this week either. There is just not enough time in the day, and I still have a lot of money to make and to save. I just don't know if I want to choose time or money this week. I miss Mitzi so much. While the money is for her and us both, I will always feel torn with the win/lose. We will have a lot of time to spend together towards the end of the month. I might take her on our own mini vacation.

Shall my Mary J Dance?

Sure, Jon. First, things I believe are real. You're either upset or possessively jealous with either my sluttiness or getting out and socializing in a way you don't want me to. Despite so many severe attacks of denial from before, I don't know why I'm convinced you could be possessively jealous with me. .... hmph... I'm thinking it is possible you could want to punish me more with more of your subjective bullshit games, but I'm going to ignore that too. ..... I'm going to play with today's signs and signs I've seen before and go with it as if something more serious could happen........... ~parts of me just wanting you to only sway my quiet limp Mary Jane around and just dance and sway and dance and sway and saying nothing with no drug induction~....... Jon, what response do you really have to say from the history we both came from? I know you've probably said a lot more hateful things behind my back, but do you remember the day you even gave my daughter a death threat? Do you just not remember who you were? Do you not even remember why you were that way? What say you with the extremely opposite change of heart? What say of you? How would you idealize and visualize us to be in the now and in the future? What is the description of it? How serious of a promise or truth or trust do you think it could ever be? .......................... If I were not playing along... I seriously just don't trust you Jon. There would be some thoughts that match Coco and the Baron and her knowing what type of man he always was, but there are also more bitter and severe thoughts of knowing how much of an insane, savage, Ike, and mad man you are: where me being separate and disassociated with you is that much easier. I can tell you don't want my separation and dissociation to be easier anymore. I feel both your girth, and your lustful pulling yourself on top of me and pull. You want me to be more emotionally drawn and persuaded......... If I can't beat you. If I can't save myself from you or your violence, have your way with my limp and drug-refusing Mary Jane. Have your gator way with me too. If you could have a certain virus, I am refusing it. ...(Possible envious and competitive Russian where you have an ulterior motive). (I know I can still be called a Russian, but will still say I am not of your kind of Russian or kind of anything)... ... . ........

I thought it was fun tonight

I have been very exhausted lately. I still feel that way and have a strange sickness. My left eyeball is in pain. Like my eye ball has a headache or something. I also do have a headache and I think an earache. I think it was because I was at a higher altitude than usual today. I did my usual bike hike and pushed myself further today. I wished I was feeling more accomplished, but the earache ruins it.

Anyway, Dancing with the stars was definitely fun and interesting. Black Betty is a song I love! I thought the other songs were fun. I noticed people were booing at Florence. I think it was when she was singing a song along the lines of "telling people to run to survive." It does sound a little bit religious (that I don't know) and maybe even of supremacy to be so authoritative about it on a regular public channel. I heard the condemnation. Again, I agree with freedom of religion, and freedom of speech was used in return.
But when people do not think about basic rights and freedoms, they are thinking of agendas, focuses, energy, possible hazards that could happen because of free expression.
Well, I didn't see a riot or anything. It didn't even compare to Jerry Springer, so I don't think people should be too worried.

I enjoyed the rest of the dances and uncertain about everyone's catty identities. Some people are too obvious, while other people I'm not so sure with. I like to keep some thoughts to myself.

I am getting confused with one cat. He cheered for someone that I don't think highly of, and I know there is a story there that I don't know about. I see him in a more negative light now. Confusingly negative where trust will be harder to achieve with me. It was never that trusting to begin with, but he continues to make it more and more impossible.

I think life is also extra heavy right now because of unemployment and finances. So, I think people should be considerate of that and not expect so much from me.